I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
