my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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