why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
