Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
