Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She needs sedatives and a leash
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
