Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am one with the molecules
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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