I faked an abortion last night.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
