Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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