Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
