Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
