Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My life is pants optional.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
