Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
