Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize