So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
