if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
