After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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