I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
