I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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