Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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