I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
