Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize