I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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