I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
