The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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