There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
