Betty ford says i'm here all night
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
