Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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