i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
