Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize