You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
