I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize