I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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