I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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