The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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