When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize