you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
