Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Randomize
