well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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