Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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