The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
