Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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