Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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