I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize