You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
These tits shall not be calmed
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
