I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
