Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
