but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
vagina is talking i cant
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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