Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
