Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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