Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
