I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
