The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
