you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize