can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
