its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
birth control should be required to get into college
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
