My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Actions speak louder than pants.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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