Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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